I don't even know what to do anymore. This year has been so hard for me. I changed colleges. I broke up with a boyfriend of 14 months. I had to drop out of college. I got kicked out of my house. My depression is starting to take over again. I look at the past year and hate it. I made some friends and pretty much feel like I lost every single one of them. I feel so alone. I guess this is going to be a depressing blog instead of the happy go lucky new years blog everyone wants to hear.
I am terrified. Of myself. Of the year to come. Of everything. My 5 year mark comes up in 2 months and I am terrified of what is going to happen with that. I want to be okay. I don't think I have ever been okay.
Also I have never had anyone to vent to and all the people I did vent to I could never trust. They always told someone else, and that person used it against me. I don't have anyone to trust. Even my boyfriend of 14 months would run into the arms of a woman I hated when he and I would get into fights. His ex that he cheated on me with. Granted eventually I did cheat back. I will admit that. I regret doing it. But I never did deserve him. I don't deserve anyone. Yes I am self pitying right now and you know what I don't care and here's why, no one out there will care in an hour. Or 15 mins. They will read it, bitch that I am being an emo kid and move on. Plain and simple.
I'm scared that I am going to slip up again. I want to be healthy. And be in a good place but it is just proving itself to be harder and harder each day. Each day my depression gets worse and I slip deeper in. For once I want to come out of it 100%. But I don't think that will ever happen. Because when I come up someone will keep knocking me down until I cant get up again. I am broken. Plain and Simple.
When it comes to guys. I don't deserve any of them. I always push them away. I push and push until they hate me. I am afraid that I will find the right guy and I will push him away. I don't want to date anymore. I don't want a boyfriend. Because it seems every time I get one I can't stop the outcome. It will always end the same. Depression wins, Becca loses.
I want 2012 to be a good year. I don't want to have anything happen to me on my 5 year mark. I don't want to slip under. I don't want to lose anymore friends. And if I do find a guy let me hold on tight to him and let him look past all my flaws and be the right one for me.
And if the bf of 14 months reads this, you were a good guy but I wasn't the right girl for you.
