2011 out 2012 in

I don't even know what to do anymore. This year has been so hard for me. I changed colleges. I broke up with a boyfriend of 14 months. I had to drop out of college. I got kicked out of my house. My depression is starting to take over again. I look at the past year and hate it. I made some friends and pretty much feel like I lost every single one of them. I feel so alone. I guess this is going to be a depressing blog instead of the happy go lucky new years blog everyone wants to hear. 
I am terrified. Of myself. Of the year to come. Of everything. My 5 year mark comes up in 2 months and I am terrified of what is going to happen with that. I want to be okay. I don't think I have ever been okay. 
Also I have never had anyone to vent to and all the people I did vent to I could never trust. They always told someone else, and that person used it against me. I don't have anyone to trust. Even my boyfriend of 14 months would run into the arms of a woman I hated when he and I would get into fights. His ex that he cheated on me with. Granted eventually I did cheat back. I will admit that. I regret doing it. But I never did deserve him. I don't deserve anyone. Yes I am self pitying right now and you know what I don't care and here's why, no one out there will care in an hour. Or 15 mins. They will read it, bitch that I am being an emo kid and move on. Plain and simple. 
I'm scared that I am going to slip up again. I want to be healthy. And be in a good place but it is just proving itself to be harder and harder each day. Each day my depression gets worse and I slip deeper in. For once I want to come out of it 100%. But I don't think that will ever happen. Because when I come up someone will keep knocking me down until I cant get up again. I am broken. Plain and Simple.
When it comes to guys. I don't deserve any of them. I always push them away. I push and push until they hate me. I am afraid that I will find the right guy and I will push him away. I don't want to date anymore. I don't want a boyfriend. Because it seems every time I get one I can't stop the outcome. It will always end the same. Depression wins, Becca loses. 
I want 2012 to be a good year. I don't want to have anything happen to me on my 5 year mark. I don't want to slip under. I don't want to lose anymore friends. And if I do find a guy let me hold on tight to him and let him look past all my flaws and be the right one for me. 
And if the bf of 14 months reads this, you were a good guy but I wasn't the right girl for you.

What to do?

I really feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Since I arrived back home life has been nothing but turmoil. I mean we've had our ups and downs but this has been the worst yet. I am thinking about moving out and in with a friend, I am thinking about dumping my boyfriend of 11 months because of the stress that is on me. I am so frustrated and I feel so helpless. I miss my Eastern friends but now because of my new major I can't go back. I miss having my own space and time to myself, but when I was at Eastern I missed my Jersey friends. I feel like there is nothing for me to do anymore. Yes, this sounds depressing and Yes I am in a bad spot right now, because when I try to even bring myself out of my shell when I am with friends I still feel out of the loop, lost in a spiral downward. If I can't fix things in my life then will I ever be able to fix anything? I know I don't blog often and when I was at Eastern I blogged about funny things, but I am at a point where I don't really have fun times anymore, it's real world adult life time for me. Paying bills, cleaning my mess, and doing other things on my own. I thought I was on my own at Eastern, I was mistaken. I guess I am in for one hell of a roller coaster ride and there is nothing I can do about it.

Roomie since I know you read my blog every now and then. I want to thank you for all you did for me while I was at Eastern. You are a great friend and I can't wait to see you again. I miss you tons!

-Bexx
P.S Roomie bring my fork next time I see you XD

This is for my Roomie

So it's been a while since I've posted and I regret that. However, a lot of my posts had to do with my wonderful roomie. Well here's one for you!


ANDY MENESSES IN A BOX!!!!

Have A Nice Day!

Mass Kool Aid Suicide

So the past few days my friend Nova has been spending time at my house. It has been a blast. Well today has been amazing. 
We went swimming today in the pool with the kids. First off it's my triplet siblings and they are always a riot and a half. Well today after swimming we got out and Nova was laying in the hammock. I pulled a chair over and sat with her. The kids asked "What would your name be if you had no name?" My response was "No name." My little brother CJ laughed and replied "No it would be donut, I want to be called donut!" So from that point on he wanted to be called Donut. Then the other two decided they wanted to change there names too. Josie changed hers to Heart and Colwyn to Cupcake. So Nova and I decided to change ours as well, we are now Buttercup (Nova) and Lalapalozza (Me). Life is great :)
Tonight Nova and I went out to Wally World to buy stuff for my preggers cat. We took my dog Bella with us, we were originally going to go to the pet store but both of them closed. We left Bella in the car and as we were walking in I told Nova that I felt bad for having to leave her in the car. As I said that my dog honked the car horn, NO LIE! 
When we got home my mom was in the kitchen and told us she was going to get juice. I told her it tasted narsty and to try it before she poured a whole glass. She tried it and was like ewwwwey gross, what is it. I told her mix aid and kool aid. She was like you idiot you are supposed to put sugar in it. I laughed and said oops. She was like if you made Nova drink that she isnt gonna want to come back. Nova replied yea i did want to come back until I drank the kool aid. I told her good thing you didnt, I was planning a mass suicide with the kool aid. And Nova said I thought your family was like a cult and that is why you and your neighbors are so close. 
Finally, there was an incident while i was at college involving a fire. It was a wrong place wrong time kind of deal. Well I got an email from the dean today with the information and telling me I was being fined 50$ and that hopefully I can make changes to my life and become a good citizen. Well you know what dean, thanks to you, you can shove your words and your Christian institution UP YOUR ASS! I am a good citizen and a responsible person. There is a reason you didnt hear about me up until that point, because I am good kid. 
That is all for tonight. I'll try to blog more :)

lunch with Fedora

My roomie and I have a mutual friend name Bob Smith, he is a 6th generation texian which if you dont know what that means basically he's a mexican. Anyways, he ate lunch today with one of Roomie's lovers Fedora and DIDNT CALL!


I asked and WHAT he didn't call!? and i mimicked him creepily calling roomie "He's here!"
Roomie goes because he isnt a creeper!


I love her!

Roomie's Wedding Counseling day 1

Seamus O'Callaghan

My Roomie is getting married in April 2012. She is having a beautiful wedding, with a string quartet. She is marrying an Irish man named, Seamus O'Callaghan. 
Her wedding day is April 27, 2012. 
So the next 10 blogs will be about her pre-marriage counseling sessions.
Day 1 of 10 
Today Roomie and Seamus went to counseling to talk about there plans with the Orthodox Priest. He was happy to hear them all and then came the question that neither one thought about. The Priest asked, and how many children will you be blessing the world with? 
Roomie: 0
Seamus: 5
They both glared at each other in disbelief that they would disagree on such a thing. 
So when she came back to the room and told me that they got into an argument for the hour they were in session and still hadn't reached agreement on how many kids, I just laughed. Seeing as I know my roomie doesn't want any. So this will be a good 10 sessions and funny ones at that. We will see how this blog becomes progressively funnier. 

Magic Erasers and death

So I dyed my hair purple today, well the bangs and underneath, and like when I dye my hair I get dye all over my body. Well I tried scrapping it off my body and my dumb butt decided to use a magic eraser. NOTE TO SELF! DON'T USE MAGIC ERASER ON SKIN!!! It gives you magic eraser burn. Owey!

So Roomie and I were talking about how when her friends die she is taking over there FB profiles and is posting status updates about there stages of decomposing. Well I told her that when I die she can take over this blog and write about it on here, this was her reaction,

"Oh my god when you die it's gonna be so much fun!"

Think she wants me dead?

Flannel Friday

So, here's the story. Roomie has a fickle crush on this guy Fedora and he likes to wear flannel like ALL THE TIME!!! Well today we went to a local coffee shop where he works and get this, he WASN'T wearing flannel. I think her and I shit a brick, that's how scary it was. 

question mark....

She also realized today that Fedora just isn't that cute. Is this the end of Fedora? Will we still talk about him? Will he ever wear flannel again? I wonder if he ever really will become the CEO of google or does he want to be a lumberjack instead? These questions have no easy answers, and we may never know.

So this is what sucks

Tonight has been one of the worst nights of sleep for me. I fell asleep about midnight, quite content. I had a dream about a zombie apocalypse, which was awesome! 

I woke up two hours after falling asleep thinking I was the soul survivor of the apocalypse. I went potty, then came back and stared out my window waiting to see a zombie, which I didn't. Then I crawled back into my fort bed and tried to fall asleep, which didn't happen. That is what sucks!

-Bexx 

So this is what I want to do

Smash my boyfriend's computer.

Starfish's Birfday :)

Yesterday was my friend Starfish's Birthday. So I drew on here mirror a happy birthday message of Starfish from Charlie the Unicorn 3. I love that one. Anyways that is all about Starfish's birthday.


-Bexx

So my luffa...

Ok so several blogs ago Roomie brought up the fact that she burnt one of my luffas. I went home the weekend of the 9th of April and I checked all the luffas there and they were fine. Well anyways, today April 16, I finally told Roomie that I checked all my luffas and they were fine, well she was like the little blue one?? Just to let you know that luffa is at my school. So I checked it and it is my friends, burnt. 

So there it is my friends, my burnt luffa that I will probably never use again. 

-Bexx 

Theories of what my roomie is up to tonight.

My roomie is out with this guy Posh right now, and won't tell me what is going on. So for her enjoyment and what not I am going to give a list of theories I have as to what she is up to at this late hour with Posh and not coming home.


Theory 1

Roomie is with Posh and they are in his off campus apartment (if he even has one), they are sitting around in his living room, she is just on the computer on the opposite side of the room and he is reading a book on the other side away from her


Theory 2

Roomie and Posh are having hot and heavy make out sessions and they are taking a breather so she got online to check FB and get on Skype to do whatever and I start talking to her and she drives me nuts by not telling me what is going on


Theory 3

She is having a Guinness with Posh


Theory 4

I had to get the one with the Asian chick ;)

She is completely and totally lying to me and isnt with Posh but with another friend of hers, Revie


Theory 5

She ran off and eloped with Posh and now living with him in the home his parents paid for 


Theory 6

Playing an intense game of Soccer


Theory 7

he is driving her to some romantic place to propose




I think that is enough theories :)


-Bexx

School.

So normally I write about the funny things that happen and what not but this is something serious. I am struggling so much in school. I mean I can't grasp anything that goes on in class and no matter how much I study it doesn't stay. I want to go home and just start over new. I mean I feel that would be better. Also it just seems that I am falling apart at the seams. I need to get back above water and feel better. Part of me wonders if I should leave my boyfriend (which I don't want to do) but being in a relationship is part of my distractions. I mean I deactivated my account on FB so that I have one less distraction. I can't leave my boyfriend though because I truly care about him and I really think that he is "the one", ya' know? I can't break his and my heart too. I know the whole thing if it was meant to be it will work out. I know he doesn't want to distract me either and I'm sure if I told him that we need to stop talking so much or what not I know that he would understand.
I really love this kid and I worry about him all the time. I mean I want to marry him one day that is how much I love the kid. Like I said I'm worried about him. I can see that he is always hurting and I wish I could help him, but like a man he doesn't open up well. Which I mean I can't force him and I also can't force him to talk to and see God. I mean I feel like God would be good for him. Someone he can talk to that isn't me. My bf just is a realist. He needs proof and I can't prove to him that God is real. I know God is real because 5 years ago I almost died and God gave me a second chance. I know personally but I don't know how to get Stephen to see personally that God loves him and is there.
Sorry off topic. School. I don't think I am going to return to EU. I need to be home. I need to get a job there. I feel better there. I need to be happy again.

-Bexx

Squishy's Birfday

So today was my friend Squishy's (alternate name) birthday. My roomie and I wanted to do something and I kind of feel obligated to do something for birthdays, it's just my thing. 
Anyways what I did was got a poster board from my roomie and wrote her a letter on this giant piece of paper,

The Giant Envelope I made with the letter inside

 (I will insert what it said later, she's sleeping right now so I can't get to it.) Anyways and then I made a GIANT envelope for it. SHE LOVED IT!
I love doing things for my friends, specially when they love it! 
That's all on this topic :) 






-Bexx

Hm?

Can someone tell me how 3 days have passed unnoticed to me?

Well no matter. Sorry I haven't blogged in a few days nothing really interesting has happened to me since I've been home, I mean besides a dog biting my finger, which still hurts and it hurts to type this blog. So I am going to make it short. I am in a really bleh mood, not really feeling anything. New depression meds, which is a good thing. Well I can't type anymore, finger is throbbing. so Back to the Nanny :).

Apparently I'm anemic...

So last night I went to the ER because I had a migraine for EIGHT DAYS! My RA took me because I was in severe pain, nauseas, almost passed out and couldn't see that well and felt like I was in a 2x2 box, 2x2 inch box that is. So I called my daddy because my RD requested me to and I was like...fiiiiinnneee. I'm glad I did. My daddy came to me and stayed with me and then brought me home to my cozy bed. 
Well what I found out is this, my migraine most likely came about due to the fact I'm...anemic. Hm, never knew that about myself. Well for those who don't know what being anemic means, it means my red blood cells are big and I have a low count. So because of this the blood flow changed going to my brain which causes a migraine. I mean no big deal right? I go to the hospital for one problem and leave with two. By the way my head still hurts.
Also, I went to the doctor today for my depression. Well come to find out until at the earliest Monday I am uninsured. YAY! Not really. So that was the icing on the cake for me today, I just lost it in my doctors office and started to cry, how embarrassing. 

Anyways I am so tired and I am going to talk to the wonderful Bf for a little before bed and then tomorrow I have a tea party/ game party to go to for my Aunt's renewal of vows ceremony.
NIGHT!
-Bexx

Don't Hate!

I know, I know I didn't blog yesterday but no big deal right? It's not like anyone reads blogs anymore anyways. But today was Pancakes in the P.M and I am like really slow sometimes so it takes me a few to understand things. What to me a while was this line "Come to the Birdhouse."

 

Ok I should tell you that I live in Eagle Hall on my campus. I didn't get it until my Roomie was like haha it's cause we live in Eagle.

That is my story. Have a wonderful day!

-Bexx

My roomie and her awesomeness today

*sniffs expo marker* This smells like whiskey. Jamesons Whiskey to be exact. Which I hate.

My Boobs are too big! *said like the cartoon who says My spoon is too big*


Me: I was looking for the answer in your face! You ruined it Roomie, You ruined the romance!
Roomie: *serious face* No, I won't marry you.


Superpower of the day: The ability to toast things with my mind.

She's like seriously narcissistic. She has issues. She like welcomes her demise. *In reference to The Last Unicorn.*

--My roomie is licking her plate of parm cheese that was on a Matzos cracker she had been eating.--
*lick, nom, lick, nom* 


--Ok my roomie sounds like really crazy right now. She is talking to herself and quoting things from the movie she is watching...last quote she said,-- He is a true magician. 

I would bite you, except that would be awkward, unless  it's a Jew then it's socially acceptable.


I have a great idea! *Holds up a cork screw from my swiss army knife* Stick this in the coils down there. *pointing to my toaster oven*


You forgive me for burning you luffas? 
Me: *concerned look*
You are gonna look for all your luffas now and see which one is burnt aren't you? Just do me a favor when you get home, check all your luffas.

I'm not crazy today, I just had a really good Orthodox Class.


I need something with Peanut butter in it. Oh, hey a Bible.

This skirt is the sweat pants of summer.


Oh my god! A red bull! It's gonna kill the Unicorn! Look *shows me* I'm not kidding it's gonna kill the flippin' unicorn. RUN! Wait...why is there a red bull?


 *Puts head phones near mouth, then drops them* I keep forgetting not put these in my mouth, they're disgusting.


--Ok my roomie knows I'm doing this and she still isn't watching her mouth--Let me run around naked and run into trees.


I need to change my name. *Looks at me* It's not funny, I'm serious.




oh purr purr. do that, do that. That be nice.

Would you rather...

My roomie and I play would you rather like almost all the time. It's fun while you are laying in bed at like 2 in the morning. Anyways tonight was extremely good.


I asked her like quite often about her lovers and tonight she asked me to come up with one specifically with her one lover, Fedora. So here was my would you rather for her.


Me: Roomie would you rather have a really amazing drunken night with Fedora canoodling and come to find out that you are pregnant and have to keep it because you don't believe in abortion.
Roomie: Do I at least remember it?
Me: Yes you remember it.
Roomie: (interrupting) Can't I just take the morning after pill?
Me: No because Jesus put that baby in you!
Roomie: (interrupting again.) No 'Fedora' did!
Me: Well Jesus made 'Fedora' put it in you. 
Roomie: Ok fine! Moving on.
Me: Or would you rather spend the rest of your life with 'Fedora' and have 10 kids...
Roomie: TEN KIDS??? Can I at least give them up for adoption??
Me: NO...you have to keep them all...
Roomie: *grumble*  Am I at least rich?
Me: ...Yes...
Roomie: Can I afford a nanny to take care of the kids??
Me: Yes...but you have to spend an hour a day with them...
Roomie: Wait...an hour per kid...or an hour for all of them??
Me: An hour per kid...
Roomie: THAT'S TEN HOURS A DAY!!! Why can't the nanny do it?
Me: You need to spend time with your kids...
Roomie: *mumble* Not that much time...
Me: Fine...we can change it to half an hour a day per child...then it's only 5 hours a day
Roomie: But that leaves no time for me!!
Me: That gives you from the time you come home to the time the kids go to bed...WAIT you're a stay at home mom, that gives you all day!
Roomie:  But...what about 'Fedora?'  What does he do??
Me: He's the CEO of some big company....
Roomie: Um...huh....
Me: Fine! he's the CEO of Google....

photoshopped by the lovely Roomie

Roomie: WELL...in that case, I'll bear as many children as he freaking wants!!! *mumble* CEO of Google... 


So that my friends was a lovely game of would you rather with my wonderful Roomie!




-Bexx

Ax Murderer Scare

"I thought an ax murderer had broken in and eaten you and waited for me" -Roomie

"Wait, how did the ax murderer get in?"-Me

"I don't know through the window?"-Roomie

My roomie went out to go pee, and I was bored so I decided that I would try and scare her. So this is what I did, expecting a different reaction out of her, I was bent down, had my hands up and was making a weird face. I was in front of our dorm door so that when she open it to come back to bed she would see me and jump and say something like OMG! Instead she saw me, shrieked and came and locked our door. Then threatened to beat me with her kendo sword. Fun times in my dorm. 


Later while watching my movie Seven Pounds, she was ranting on and on about the hatred she felt in her heart for me and how she will kick me in the face next time I do that, note to self: never pull prank again. Anyways, later after that she rambled about how I keep scaring her and so on and so forth, and I told her about this blog, and Roomie you can stop saying do it you won't because I did. HAHA!


Fedora and Lip Ring and Jew and Secret Lover   -Just for you roomie :)


-Bexx

Confrontations

So today, I had a serious confrontation with my suite mate, just to let  names will be mentioned in this post, their names have been changed to protect their identity. So anyways, serious confrontation with my suite mate Kara. We have had our problems since I moved in downstairs. I am not saying that is just them, Kara and Helga, but it is also me and my roomie who can cause the problems as well. It is a situation that involves a few people that simple do not get along. Well it started today because of a note my RA asked me to leave asking them not to vacuum at 230 in the morning and to also not touch my stuff. Kara threw back in my face that I touched her sister's computer, just to let everyone out there know it was on the floor. This lead to cursing, which lead to cursing and screaming, which lead me to cursing, screaming and shaking, which lead to me saying that since her and I weren't going to resolve anything by screaming at each other that I was going to talk to our RA and she told me go ahead and tattle  like a 1st grader. 


Okay so there is the short version. Right now I am scared to go into my own room alone. I called my RA crying and shaking because I HATE being mad. Also, I called my roomie to let her know that when she does arrive back at campus to come get me first and not to go in the room alone. This was my problem with Kara and Helga not hers, therefore I do not want her to get involved into too much then she will already be involved in, if that makes sense. 


Anyways, to go along with my roomies blog, Super Blog, I wish my super of the day was the ability to avoid confrontation with people that I really don't want to have confrontations with. I also wish that me my roomie and our suite mates would all just get along and not have these problems. 


Well I think that was a good blog, maybe more today I've already done two, haha!


-Bexx

my head hurts.

So yea I have a headache, and I'm really tired. I am talking to my wonderful boyfriend of about 6 months. We've been a solid 6 month relationship, we've had our problems but what couple doesn't? Anyways, since yesterday was April Fool's Day I pranked everyone by saying "Stephen and I were engaged!" Everyone fell for it, for the most part. However, I was sitting there in a coffee shop and I was thinking about how I really would like to marry Stephen. So I did what almost any female would do and I looked up future wedding bands I wouldn't mind having. 

So this is an Irish Claddagh for those who don't know, yes I am a little Irish. This was the first one I found and it is beautiful. I don't know the price of it, however I could look for it. I got this picture off of Sea Wear. Okay so I found the price, $2,995. Ouch! No thank you however a girl can dream. I don't want something that expensive for my wedding ring.

This is the next ring I found. Not bad looking. I like it, it's simple and not too flashy. I found it on Amazon. The price for this ring is, $795. Still a little too high for me, but more reasonable for a wedding ring. I know, I know you only get married once, right? Why be picky about price? Well because I'm not a woman who wants high priced things, plain and simple. 

Which leads to the last one I found which oddly enough I really like. 

I am not a woman who likes yellow gold but for some reason, I kind of fell in love with this ring. Again I found this on Amazon, amazon a wonderful place! :) This one is priced much better then the other two at $250. I honestly can live with that. 

However, Stephen and I are going to wait a while, and I would honestly like him to get me a promise ring first. At least something to show we are taking a step towards forever. I can show you the promise ring I want too. Want to see? Oh hell I'll show you anyways.

Pretty isn't it. $59.99 on Amazon. See told you wonderful place.

Anyways, he and I talked and we both agree that we want to get to that point of being engaged, but we both know, he needs to ask daddy first. ;)

-Bexx

First blog...thingy magig

So this is my first blog. My roomie did a blog and I thought it would be interesting to do one too, however I really don't know what to blog about exactly. SO! I have decided it will be random, random quotes, "diary entries", rambling, lovey dovey stuff, prayer requested and so on and so forth. If anyone reads anything I write and wants to leave a comment, go for it, good or bad doesn't matter to me, however if it's bad, you might earn a spot on my blog, just sayin'. So here goes nothing!




WELCOME TO MY BLOG and enjoy....

Bexx