New Year

So I think that I am going to start blogging more. I need to vent and just let a lot of things out. I think that it would be good to do. 
I met up with some old friends today. It was nice to see them again. I mean the one was really depressed and I feel horrible because there is nothing I can do to help. The other was the same as usual. I really didn't think I was ever going to see them again because, well, they are both my exes. However, I did have fun seeing the both of them. I also laughed a lot! 
I am trying to move on from my recent ex of 14 months. That is kind of hard because I do love him and I do care about him and want to be with him, but I don't think that things will work out. Maybe he is right. Maybe I am just afraid to commit to him and be with only him and give up my freedom of being able to do whatever. At the same time I want to move him in with me and try things out that way. The long distance did kill us. We were good together, and when we did talk we could be serious and we could be funny. I love him still, but I just don't know. 
I am going to be moving prob in the next month or two. I am going to moving to PA!!! I'll be living with my cousin and her fiance. I am excited about that. They are looking for houses or apartments that we could all fit in. Still it will be great.
As for my depression. It is still there. Today was better then yesterday and I am sure tomorrow will be better then today. All I need to do is keep my head up!
Well for now that is all!

2011 out 2012 in

I don't even know what to do anymore. This year has been so hard for me. I changed colleges. I broke up with a boyfriend of 14 months. I had to drop out of college. I got kicked out of my house. My depression is starting to take over again. I look at the past year and hate it. I made some friends and pretty much feel like I lost every single one of them. I feel so alone. I guess this is going to be a depressing blog instead of the happy go lucky new years blog everyone wants to hear. 
I am terrified. Of myself. Of the year to come. Of everything. My 5 year mark comes up in 2 months and I am terrified of what is going to happen with that. I want to be okay. I don't think I have ever been okay. 
Also I have never had anyone to vent to and all the people I did vent to I could never trust. They always told someone else, and that person used it against me. I don't have anyone to trust. Even my boyfriend of 14 months would run into the arms of a woman I hated when he and I would get into fights. His ex that he cheated on me with. Granted eventually I did cheat back. I will admit that. I regret doing it. But I never did deserve him. I don't deserve anyone. Yes I am self pitying right now and you know what I don't care and here's why, no one out there will care in an hour. Or 15 mins. They will read it, bitch that I am being an emo kid and move on. Plain and simple. 
I'm scared that I am going to slip up again. I want to be healthy. And be in a good place but it is just proving itself to be harder and harder each day. Each day my depression gets worse and I slip deeper in. For once I want to come out of it 100%. But I don't think that will ever happen. Because when I come up someone will keep knocking me down until I cant get up again. I am broken. Plain and Simple.
When it comes to guys. I don't deserve any of them. I always push them away. I push and push until they hate me. I am afraid that I will find the right guy and I will push him away. I don't want to date anymore. I don't want a boyfriend. Because it seems every time I get one I can't stop the outcome. It will always end the same. Depression wins, Becca loses. 
I want 2012 to be a good year. I don't want to have anything happen to me on my 5 year mark. I don't want to slip under. I don't want to lose anymore friends. And if I do find a guy let me hold on tight to him and let him look past all my flaws and be the right one for me. 
And if the bf of 14 months reads this, you were a good guy but I wasn't the right girl for you.

What to do?

I really feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Since I arrived back home life has been nothing but turmoil. I mean we've had our ups and downs but this has been the worst yet. I am thinking about moving out and in with a friend, I am thinking about dumping my boyfriend of 11 months because of the stress that is on me. I am so frustrated and I feel so helpless. I miss my Eastern friends but now because of my new major I can't go back. I miss having my own space and time to myself, but when I was at Eastern I missed my Jersey friends. I feel like there is nothing for me to do anymore. Yes, this sounds depressing and Yes I am in a bad spot right now, because when I try to even bring myself out of my shell when I am with friends I still feel out of the loop, lost in a spiral downward. If I can't fix things in my life then will I ever be able to fix anything? I know I don't blog often and when I was at Eastern I blogged about funny things, but I am at a point where I don't really have fun times anymore, it's real world adult life time for me. Paying bills, cleaning my mess, and doing other things on my own. I thought I was on my own at Eastern, I was mistaken. I guess I am in for one hell of a roller coaster ride and there is nothing I can do about it.

Roomie since I know you read my blog every now and then. I want to thank you for all you did for me while I was at Eastern. You are a great friend and I can't wait to see you again. I miss you tons!

-Bexx
P.S Roomie bring my fork next time I see you XD

This is for my Roomie

So it's been a while since I've posted and I regret that. However, a lot of my posts had to do with my wonderful roomie. Well here's one for you!


ANDY MENESSES IN A BOX!!!!

Have A Nice Day!

Mass Kool Aid Suicide

So the past few days my friend Nova has been spending time at my house. It has been a blast. Well today has been amazing. 
We went swimming today in the pool with the kids. First off it's my triplet siblings and they are always a riot and a half. Well today after swimming we got out and Nova was laying in the hammock. I pulled a chair over and sat with her. The kids asked "What would your name be if you had no name?" My response was "No name." My little brother CJ laughed and replied "No it would be donut, I want to be called donut!" So from that point on he wanted to be called Donut. Then the other two decided they wanted to change there names too. Josie changed hers to Heart and Colwyn to Cupcake. So Nova and I decided to change ours as well, we are now Buttercup (Nova) and Lalapalozza (Me). Life is great :)
Tonight Nova and I went out to Wally World to buy stuff for my preggers cat. We took my dog Bella with us, we were originally going to go to the pet store but both of them closed. We left Bella in the car and as we were walking in I told Nova that I felt bad for having to leave her in the car. As I said that my dog honked the car horn, NO LIE! 
When we got home my mom was in the kitchen and told us she was going to get juice. I told her it tasted narsty and to try it before she poured a whole glass. She tried it and was like ewwwwey gross, what is it. I told her mix aid and kool aid. She was like you idiot you are supposed to put sugar in it. I laughed and said oops. She was like if you made Nova drink that she isnt gonna want to come back. Nova replied yea i did want to come back until I drank the kool aid. I told her good thing you didnt, I was planning a mass suicide with the kool aid. And Nova said I thought your family was like a cult and that is why you and your neighbors are so close. 
Finally, there was an incident while i was at college involving a fire. It was a wrong place wrong time kind of deal. Well I got an email from the dean today with the information and telling me I was being fined 50$ and that hopefully I can make changes to my life and become a good citizen. Well you know what dean, thanks to you, you can shove your words and your Christian institution UP YOUR ASS! I am a good citizen and a responsible person. There is a reason you didnt hear about me up until that point, because I am good kid. 
That is all for tonight. I'll try to blog more :)

lunch with Fedora

My roomie and I have a mutual friend name Bob Smith, he is a 6th generation texian which if you dont know what that means basically he's a mexican. Anyways, he ate lunch today with one of Roomie's lovers Fedora and DIDNT CALL!


I asked and WHAT he didn't call!? and i mimicked him creepily calling roomie "He's here!"
Roomie goes because he isnt a creeper!


I love her!

Roomie's Wedding Counseling day 1

Seamus O'Callaghan

My Roomie is getting married in April 2012. She is having a beautiful wedding, with a string quartet. She is marrying an Irish man named, Seamus O'Callaghan. 
Her wedding day is April 27, 2012. 
So the next 10 blogs will be about her pre-marriage counseling sessions.
Day 1 of 10 
Today Roomie and Seamus went to counseling to talk about there plans with the Orthodox Priest. He was happy to hear them all and then came the question that neither one thought about. The Priest asked, and how many children will you be blessing the world with? 
Roomie: 0
Seamus: 5
They both glared at each other in disbelief that they would disagree on such a thing. 
So when she came back to the room and told me that they got into an argument for the hour they were in session and still hadn't reached agreement on how many kids, I just laughed. Seeing as I know my roomie doesn't want any. So this will be a good 10 sessions and funny ones at that. We will see how this blog becomes progressively funnier.